Some Chuck Norris Facts (Funny)

[Patho*GEN]

The actor that has the most powerful kick in the world: Chuck Norris(Walker Texas Ranger) Here are some facts:

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pijamas.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.


On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take $#it from anyone.

Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up.

Chuck Norris plays Russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver... and wins.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.

A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that.

[Prycele$$]

ROFLMAO.. i havent heard half of these.. and i used to read these like crazy.. this is good shit

[Lieutenant]

r u serious? i never read this shit n i heard the first 6 i skimmed to.

[glen1n]

lmao. repped.

[BB!]

never heard of it, some I knew, but most not

[divostarr]

good shit

[Killaz_2.0]

Chuck Norris puts the "Fun" In Funeral

[Son Of LA]

Chuck norris is the man..

World Trade Center incident didnt include planes,it was Chuck Norris playing darts.

Mr.T pity the fool,Chuck Norris kills the fool

When chuck norris goes swim,he dont get wet..Water gets chuck norris

n Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is so fast,he can run around the world and hit himself in back of his head

187 is murder code because its Chuck Norris` favorite number

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer

try make your own jokes people:

Chuck Norris won spell contents by sneezing instead of spelling Dysdiadochokinesia

There was no bomb in Hiroshima,just Chuck Norris taking a dump

Tomorrow Never Dies,Chuck Norris Disagree

Chuck Norris is forever,diamonds are not

[RipTheJacker]

the Mr. T one is hilarious

[sigma45]

Once chuck norris jokingly told a woman he loved her, her heart exploded.