Un Till The End Of Time Rap (feedback Ppl) Thsi Real Talk Right Here

[young pun]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Die-x...eature=related

Uh Uh

My Life That Shit Kinda Crazy
Niggaz Swearin But They Cant Break Me
I Get Way Older Way Stronger Way Smarter
And Every Day It Get Way Harder
For These Lames To Make Me Quit
But They Aint No Quit In This Spic
I Was Rasied By Moms All Alone
My Pops That Coward Was Never Home
I Got A Son On The Way And Im Only 18
So You Know Im Determined To Make Cream
Ski Mask Wit A Gat Nah I Cant Go Out Like That
I Gotta Do Shit The Legal Way Scrap
I Aint Tryna Get Booked And Not Be There For My Son
Im Try To Teach Em Theres More Ways Then One
To Succedd Ill Bleed Eveyday
So He Wouldnt Do What I Had To Do Eveyday
On The Daily Bases Just To Get Bread
See To Me Thats The Past I Move Ahead
To A Brighter Place I Pace Myself
To Succed No Longer Can I Think Of Myself
I Got Kid To Raise A Baby Boy On The Way
So I Avoid The Bullshit Eveyday
He Aint Here Yet Made My Life Way Brighter
He Is The Fluid To My Lighter
So You Know I Try Way Much More
To Succed I Break Open Evey Door
And His Moms Told Me Chris Its A Better Way To Live Life
She Hold Her Nigga Down So You Know She Gon Be My Wife
My Life Wasnt Always Filled Wit Happiness
It Was More Like Bitterness
And Anger Twords The World
It Was Fuck Eveyone Before I Met My Girl
I Was Out There Up To No Good
We Can All Joke Around And Claim We All Hood
There Were Times When I Aint Want To Live At All
But She Kept Me Up When I Was Bout To Fall
My Moms Alwayz Prayed For Me
I Hope All My Sins Dnt Send My Soul To Hell For Eternity
I Rememberd Nights That I Heard My Mom Cry
Sayin To Herself The Pain Makes Her Wanna Die
You Only 14 When You Hear Some Shit Like That
How The Fuck You Pose To Deal With That
So Much Pain That I Been Through
So Much Hurt And Depprsion That It Ah Drive You Mentol(mental)
Ontop With All That Gotta Deal With Beein A Minorty In The States
I Defintly Feel The Cold Stares An The Hate
Form Those That Think They Better Than I Or Should I Say Us
There Is Not To Many That I Could Trust
Just Walkin Down The Block You Dont Know What Might Happen
It Aint Nuffin New To See 12 Year Olds Trappin
None Of This Shit Is A Dream To Me
As Scary And Fucked Ass It May Seem Its Reality

All Feedback Is Wanted But If You Gonna Be A Dick Dnt Dont Say Shit

[young pun]

Some Feedback

[Lucuss]

Hmm... Ok first of all I think your first mistake with this song is the fact that you didn't know what type of angle you were working with.. It seemed to stray between the existence of consciousness and street... In my personal opinion I do not feel as if this is a great mixture... If you were talking about the streets in a conscious way then it would have been different but you weren't... I think it would have been a lot better lyrically wise, if you had focused on one style of writing... Secondly... I feel as if the flow is off... In my personal opinion the syllabelle count is completley messed up and even when rhyming it in the way that the original was done, it still does not flow very well because there is a huge contrast between the length of your bars... However, when doing it with no beat it is a lot better... Don't get me wrong the piece is pretty nice and the idea is good but the difference in the length of the lines and contrasting styles makes this piece worse than it should be... No hate, just constructive criticism, peace.

[young pun]

More Feedback Ppl